The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

The pursuer vs distancer relationship dynamic destroys the relationship. Partners lose trust and faith in each other. However, it’s up to you and your partner to save your bond.

Both of you will have to make efforts. Here is how you can get rid of the pursuer-distancer dynamic in your relationship.

1.  Are you the pursuer or the distancer? The first step towards any solution is to figure out the problem. You should figure out if you are a pursuer or a distancer.

Do you need constant attention from your partner or desire closeness, want to do activities together? You are the pursuer in a relationship craves for your partner.

If you want some space or privacy from your partner or feel that she is clingy, you might be the distancer.

2. Understand your partner’s language- If you are stuck in a pursuer-distancer dynamic, the chances are that there is a lack of communication between you and your partner.

At times your partner might not be very open about how they feel. They might be aggressively pursuing you or would maintain her distance without wanting to confront you.

Therefore, it becomes crucial to understand your partner’s language, not just through words but their gestures, mood swings, and actions.

Observe and analyse how your partner reacts. If you are the pursuer, they will make an excuse to stay out of the house, would want to spend less time together, and get irritated frequently.

If you are the distancer, your partner might start longing for you more than often. They would want to hang out with you 24/7.

Accordingly, see what your partner needs or is comfortable with and what makes them behave distantly.

3. The Art of Communication- Communication is the foundation of any relationship. Majority problems occur due to a communication gap or miscommunication. At times, we overreact or misunderstand our partner.

Rather than listening to our partner, we tend to jump to conclusions instead. Therefore, along with understanding your partner’s language, it’s also necessary that you communicate your thoughts and make them understand.

The pursuer-distancer behaviour may occur due to insecurities, past experiences or childhood trauma. If you are the distancer, you should assure your partner. Communicate to her that you need some space.

If you are the pursuer, you should communicate your feeling or thoughts to your partner and make them realise why you are longing or craving for them.

4. Don’t let the spark fade away- Another reason why pursuer-distancer dynamic becomes a part of relationships is that the spark fades away after a few years.

Partners grow weary of each other. One starts demanding space while the other one aggressively starts pursuing.

Therefore, you should keep on surprising your partner, making plans, going on adventures so that you never get bored with each other.