Dealing with Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is a form of child manipulation that is done by one parent to disparage the other in the eyes of the child. In many cases it will hide under the guise of “concern.”

An example of this is the mom saying something like:

“Remember, when you’re at Daddy’s you can always call me and I’ll come get you if you don’t feel good.”

On the surface it appears to simply be the mothers protective nature, but consider the expectation it is painting in the child’s mind. That being at Dads when not feeling well isn’t safe, that mom is the real caregiver. These are the kind of small things that over time can change a child’s view of their parent.

Dealing with parental alienation is a challenge, it can be difficult to connect with your child if they’ve been conditioned over time to view you as “bad.” When you aren’t there your ex may be continually running you down and painting a picture of you in your child’s mind that is monstorous.

Don’t Be Afraid to Defend Yourself

When confronted with obvious signs that your child is being propagandized against you, don’t fall into the trap of feeling as if it is best to simply not say anything.

When a child says to a father something along the lines of “mom says you ruined the marriage / destroyed our family because you are lazy / evil / dumb / etc.” many fathers first instinct is to change the subject. This is understandable, after-all why should children be expected to carry the emotional burdens of their parents? Unfortunately this option is no longer on the table, if you don’t defend yourself at all then the only narrative left is that what they’ve been told must be true.

This is why you must defend yourself, do it in a calm and kind manner, simply say something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry mommy told you that but it is not true.” There’s no need to argue the point in detail, but it is important to speak up and defend yourself.

Keep a Journal

It’s important to track the time you spend with your kids, as well as any times you’ve been denied visitation and the reasons given. Whenever possible have a neutral third-party as a witness for any irregular behavior.

In the event that you end up back in court looking to renegotiate your visitation or child custody setup, this journal will provide the court with a clear viewpoint into the current situation.

Journal keeping can also help you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your children which can be particularly helpful for fathers who have very limited visitation with their children such as only seeing them every other weekend.

Save all texts, emails, etc. exchanged between you and your ex regarding your child

While keeping a journal is helpful, your ex could always deny the events you have written down. In contrast if you’ve been communication with your ex via text message or email you’ll have a complete record with dates and times.

If Necessary Consider Taking Legal Action

If you feel that your ex is being intentionally hostile and purposefully and maliciously attempting to make your child hate you then you should reach out to a legal professional to looking into an appropriate plan of action.

Don’t Give Up

While it may be necessary to accept that you have ‘lost’ your children in the present, do not give up on one day being a part of their life. What happens in the children’s household is out of your control, this includes you being bad-mouthed by your ex, but if you’re persistent and continue to show you care there is still hope.