How To Deal With Allegations of Abuse

Being accused of any form of domestic violence or abuse is a heart-breaking and humiliating experience for any person who has to go through it, and it’s becoming more and more common as a means for women to control a divorce and drain a man of everything he has to live for this is why it is important to learn how to deal with allegations of abuse even if only as a precautionary measure for something you will hopefully never have to actually face.

These allegations are solidified in the form of Restraining Orders (sometimes called Protection Orders), your initial first step in dealing with this is preventing them. We call this the ‘walking on egg shells’ policy and it’s something every man should follow throughout the entire divorce process, especially if you are attempting to maintain residence in your own home (which you should if you want to keep your right to the house as well as your children).

The issue here is that she most likely wants you out and will possibly make attempts to provoke you into argument. Walking on egg shells means ignoring this and doing your absolute best to curtail any natural reaction of anger. Even raising your voice should be avoided at all costs, especially in-front of children.

You may think this is being over-careful, that protection orders can only be implemented in cases of actual violence or threats. That’s where you’re wrong. It is her PERCEPTION of risk that matters and that includes completely imagined risk.

Even if you have never been violent in your life and it’s your wife that starts the altercation you’re the one who gets arrested if the police are called. There’s a slim chance that she will be arrested too, but most likely it will just be you. Having any kind of incident like this leading up to the divorce, having a restraining or protection order issued against you will instantly make you look like the “bad guy” to the judge.

If you are found to be a Domestic Abuser, which can happen as easily as your wife saying that you “scare her” without even needing to say how or why, you will most likely face losing any chance at custody of your children. Being deemed the ‘victim’ in a child custody case is so advantageous that women looking to ensure they have full custody are completely comfortable lying in court (perjury).

If you end up in a situation like this your best defense is to try to be as transparent as possible about the truth. This means putting your best foot forward from day one, do not do anything you wouldn’t be comfortable having put on display in front of a judge.

This means controlling your posts on social media (no mean statuses, tweets, or even emails about your ex), attempting to ensure that any sensitive conversation you have with your ex are witnessed by an unbiased third party, and most importantly keeping the children out of it. Do not bad-mouth your ex to your kids, those words will get back to her and she’ll use it as fuel to destroy you.

Sexual Abuse Allegations

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Less common than standard allegations of abuse but still something over one hundred innocent men face every year is the allegation of sexual abuse. Guilty until proven innocent, your options here are limited and that’s her strategy. Any friend or family support you had is now, at the very least, damaged.

The moment you find out about such allegations you should act fast. Do your best to get a lawyer, preferably one who has worked in this specific area before. You can start by contacting Casualties of Sexual Allegations (COSA), they can offer specialist information as well as referrals to the best legal aid in your area.

One option you have is to push for a full psychological evaluation of you and your relationship with your children (Family Code 730), this provides the courts a completely unbiased evaluation of the fathers’ fitness level. This has helped numerous fathers facing false allegations clear their name and maintain the right to be their child’s father. As mentioned before though, it is an expensive option, costing at least five thousand and up to fifteen-thousand dollars.

This is an incredibly difficult and sensitive position to be in, the possibility that your ex-spouse is couching and forcing your children to lie and say something happened is very real, do what you can to clear your name but understand that due to the heinous nature of the crime you’re being accused of, there is very little in the way of help. As of this writing, COSA is the only official organization I know of and they are stretched rather thin trying to help people through this.