Is Confronting the Other Woman Good or Bad?

I work weekly with couples who’ve been rocked by the consequences of dishonesty. Though each women and men in relationships can cheat, I most frequently get requested by girls about confronting the opposite lady.

Generally this query will get requested whereas they’re nonetheless within the thought stage, however many instances a girl has already engaged and confronted the opposite lady and I hear about it after it’s occurred.

There may be nothing irregular a couple of lady whose associate has cheated eager to confront the opposite lady. The truth is, it is a pure, self-protective response. Whereas the explanations can differ, the need to guard their relationship is a really robust and first motivator.

Sadly, many do not assume lengthy and laborious sufficient about whether or not or not it is a good suggestion. Because it seems like the appropriate factor to do, they permit their feelings to find out their actions as an alternative of their head.

Why Girls Confront The Other Woman

Being cheated on will ignite a firestorm of insecurities in girls (and males too). Most associate’s assume their partner dishonest is a mirrored image of their very own shortcomings.

Not directly they’re not sufficient. Though that’s not true, when your partner cheats it’s simple to assume you’re the explanation.

These insecurities could make a girl really feel the necessity to confront the girl her man had an affair with hoping to show or disprove her suspicions and fears.

Usually, companions hope to reply the one, overwhelming query – Why? Why would he break his dedication and harm me this fashion?

As a girl seems to be for the reply to that query she’s typically asking numerous smaller ones as nicely.

Is she prettier?
Is she youthful?
Is she smarter?
Is she sexier?
Is she extra loveable?
What does she have that I don’t?

Or,

Is she simply an amoral house wrecker who seduced my husband and he determined to slum it for a bit?

Actual Girls’s Tales About Confronting The Other Woman

Listed here are just a few companions’ tales about what led them to confronting the opposite lady:

Two years in the past, my husband introduced (at my asking what was occurring with him) that he did not assume he was in love with me anymore, and that he did not assume he wished to be married anymore. I quickly found some emails between him and his Admin Assistant (newly separated herself) that weren’t conclusive, however have been at the very least inappropriate and suggestive that there was one thing greater than their simply speaking about their respective marital points, as he claimed. For sure, I used to be devastated. I could not perceive it – we had a stupendous marriage – not all the time excellent – however we had constructed a stupendous life collectively. I liked him, I wished our marriage – however I used to be holding a number of resentment and anger concerning this different lady and I wished solutions. Each time I went there, he continued to disclaim that something had occurred and did not really feel that he had performed something flawed and the dialogue would finish together with his wanting to go away and his wanting a divorce and many others. I started to close down when it comes to speaking about my emotions and many others. so I discovered her quantity and known as her…” -Ashley

My husband left me and my 2 kids six months ago. He says he isn’t happy and that he wants a divorce. He refuses to go to counselling because he doesn’t want to fix our relationship. One night I decided to go for a drive and found his car was not parked on his street. I went to the other woman house and found his car parked around the corner. I know that you don’t visit a friend at 10:15pm at night. All night I couldn’t stop thinking about her, so I decided to confront her and went back the next day and knocked on her door…” -Marisa

We have had a rocky relationship, however it’s not all been unhealthy, three years in the past we had our daughter, since then I have not had a number of time for him, to chop a protracted story quick…I discover out he had been sleeping with one other lady, I confronted them, acted needy, pleading and many others which was loopy now I consider it. I like this man however I am no doormat……I do love him dearly & wish to be with him solely to have him inform me WE WILL NEVER BE A COUPLE, he thinks he is in love with this lady however I sense it is only a want. He would not see he is performed something flawed & appears to wish to punish us for issues that are not our doing, he is the one which’s wronged us. This different lady would not have any younger kids or stress’s like I’ve with a 3 yr outdated. I wish to confront her and inform her she’s destroying our life…” -Lana

Understandably, anyone whose partner has cheated on them is going to be very angry and hurt. Those hurt feelings need an outlet, and often what feels like the easiest, best, and most rewarding outlet is confronting the other woman.

Another reason partner’s end up venting at the other woman is because, like Ashley above, their partners won’t be honest and take any responsibility for their actions, and they want answers. So, they turn to the other target.

“Each time I went there, he continued to disclaim that something had occurred and did not really feel that he had performed something flawed. So I discovered her quantity and known as her.”

What Happens After Confronting The Other Woman

So, is confronting her a good idea?

What comes after a partner confronts the other woman?

There are several likely outcomes that I’ve seen with the couples I’ve counseled after an affair:

Makes things worse. It’s not uncommon for the other woman to get angry right back at you. If your partner’s still communicating with her the two of them can end up conspiring together against you. As unbelievable as that may sound, I’ve seen it happen many times.
Inflames things between you and your partner. He gets really angry with you for reaching out to her. As a result, your already broken communication just gets even more strained.
Get ignored. Often the other woman will have nothing to do with you, and so you just end up wasting your time and energy chasing someone who just avoids you (and any accountability).
Led on by her. She lies to you by saying she didn’t know he was married and telling other untruths. While what she says could be true, you can’t trust her — so putting any value in what she tells you is a big mistake.

The bottom line about confronting the other woman is that it will get you nowhere closer to fixing your problem.

Need more reasons not to contact her?

Your issue isn’t with her, it’s with your partner.
You need to vent your feelings at your partner, not her. He’s the one you have a relationship and commitment with, not her. And he’s the one who broke it, not her.
You’re doing for your partner what they need to do — end it. He needs to tell her it’s over, not you. If he isn’t the one who does it, it probably won’t be over either.

Please think long and hard before confronting the other woman. I’ve never seen it fix anything. If you’re still thinking that maybe it could, then re-read the 3 points above.